AA-Side: Enervation (Extended Mix)

Count ten. Ten days until I finally, for better or worse, am free from this nightmare.

I have ten days to get any remaining photos I want, formulate my exit playlist, pack my things, say goodbye to anyone I've missed, and set out to try and build something better, take two. A partner believes I can do better in an environment where I am much safer, less worried about whether or not I'm gonna be able to eat or get any work done. She's probably right about these things, and I believe them because I'm sure as shit not going to simply believe in myself until I know I have things under control.

However.

I have beat the shit out of myself pretty constantly for the whole duration of this thing, and whilst I use cynicism often as a tool for rationalizing my environment, pessimism isn't nearly so useful, especially as the blade is turned in upon myself so constantly and efficiently. Moving forward, I will be ditching it in favor of a cautious optimism to see if it helps my mental at all. Cautious optimism alone isn't useful for tricking my brain into bypassing its executive limitations, but pure defeatism mixed with a little impatience certainly isn't going to work, either.

Whilst I'm waiting for background machinations, I have re-begun version 4 of my website. This is kind of a push to take things a little more seriously and design something with all of my new skills and tricks. I am going for something a little more traditional this time. My websites up until this point have all been the bare minimum of design, this is a little more serious, a little spicier. Real design planning, bespoke art, real image gallery. It's going to take time, but eh what doesn't. I'm not burnout immune, but I can avoid detonating my tolerance if I take it at my own pace and use it as a project of leisure.

Projects of Leisure as Burnout Mitigation

This might be a bit cope-y but so far it's been a way to do code warmup without like wanting to die immediately, so it seems to have some degree of merit? I've been placing my brain in unfamiliar situations with code, like with a micropython environment to fetch data from the WMATA API or attempting to mess with the Miracast and Aircast systems to create a software 'speaker' to cast to (with mixed results on that one.... there are better solutions). The benefit to this is improving the brain's ability to have some degree of computational flexibility rather than having it dip into monotony. Keeping it interesting and learning is the goal, and it's been huge in reigniting some of that yearning for further data, recreating the itch. Combining it with hobbies is just a nice bonus.

To summarize the Projects of Leisure game plan: the project format keeps it in scope, the yearning for data keeps the passion going, and the break from the monotony keeps the noise level low. Time will tell if this approach has flaws but I have backup burnout mitigation just in case.

Take nothing but pictures...

In the leadup to my leaving, I'm naturally busy packing my things. I worry about the future, about what I'm gonna do from here, how I'm going to heal from the misery here. I have plenty of time, but I feel my health waning quickly.

A part of me, given my lowest points, wants to fetch my motorcycle from storage, disappear into the ether and see what that brings for me, but it's no real way to live for myself right now. It's an okay plan if all else fails, but there's a long series of failures that would lead to that point, and I don't think we'll see the vast majority of them come to pass, not to mention the nonsensical methodology of putting one's head in the sand being generally pretty unproductive. I want a chance to help solve problems in a sane way, and not have to constantly worry about my personally existential ones as a result of building something. I've got enough of those issue as it is.